How Scrolling Through Your Phone Could Be Destroying Your Relationship
- Christina Neri, LCSW
- May 2
- 5 min read
Andrea and Emilio's story isn’t rare anymore. They fought hard to be together. Different cities. Long-distance calls. Hours on trains. But a few years into marriage, with a baby in the picture and a shared zip code, Andrea felt lonelier than ever. Emilio was there physically, but emotionally? His phone had his attention. And that silent distance between them grew loud enough to send Andrea into therapy.
Welcome to the world of phubbing.
What Is Phubbing, Really?
"Phubbing" = phone + snubbing. It’s what happens when your eyes (and heart) are glued to your screen instead of your partner. You know the scene: One person is sharing something important. The other nods... while scrolling Instagram.
Phubbing isn't just annoying. It's destructive. Studies link it to increased depression, decreased life satisfaction, and a fourfold increase in perceived risk of divorce. Yikes.
As a couples therapist with over 15 years of experience, I can tell you this: emotional neglect doesn't always look dramatic. Sometimes, it's subtle. It's dinner without eye contact. It's "Uh huh" responses with eyes glued to TikTok. It's the ache of not feeling chosen—even when you're in the same room.
How Phones Are Quietly Eroding Intimacy
You don’t need a cheating scandal to feel betrayed. Sometimes, it’s the emotional disconnection that cuts deepest.
Smartphones change how couples relate. You might be in bed together, physically close, but emotionally galaxies apart. When your partner consistently feels less interesting than your feed, it chips away at their self-worth. Over time, that disconnect can spiral into resentment, insecurity, and detachment.
I’ve seen it too many times in session: one partner heartbroken, saying, "It feels like their phone gets more affection than I do." The pain is real. And the good news? It's repairable.
Could This Be Happening in Your Relationship?
Ask yourself:
Do you check your phone before acknowledging your partner in the morning?
Does "quality time" often include two people silently scrolling?
Do you ignore your partner’s attempts to talk because you're mid-TikTok binge?
Do you feel increasingly disconnected, even though you spend plenty of time "together"?
If you nodded yes to any of these, your phone habits might be costing you more than you realize.
Why We Choose Screens Over Connection
Phones are designed to be addictive. The dopamine hit of a like, the endless scroll, the illusion of productivity. It’s easy to reach for your phone when you’re bored, stressed, or avoiding difficult emotions.
And sometimes, let’s be honest, your phone feels safer than vulnerability. If there’s tension or emotional distance in your relationship already, it’s tempting to bury yourself in a digital world instead of facing what’s real., it’s tempting to bury yourself in a digital world instead of facing what’s real.
Here's what I often remind my clients: when something feels too painful to face, distraction becomes a coping tool. But avoidance only prolongs the discomfort.
What's Really Going On Beneath the Screen?
In therapy, I often see phone use as a red flag for deeper dynamics. It's not just about tech—it's about protection. Phones become shields. They create emotional buffers in relationships already strained by miscommunication, emotional detachment, or unresolved resentment.
Insecure attachment styles may lead one partner to withdraw into their phone to avoid conflict or perceived rejection. Others may feel safer with a device than confronting uncomfortable truths. Understanding these dynamics is crucial to moving forward.
How to Reconnect (Without Going Off the Grid)
1. Create Tech-Free Zones
Designate certain spaces or times as phone-free. Dinner. Bedtime. Sunday morning coffee. Protect those windows like you would an important meeting.
In my work, I’ve seen couples transform simply by reclaiming small, sacred rituals together. It doesn't take hours—it takes presence.
2. Replace Screen Time with Face Time
Start small. Five minutes of intentional eye contact. Asking "How was your day?" and actually listening. Playing a card game or cooking together. These micro-moments build trust and connection.
3. Use Mindfulness to Be Fully Present
Mindfulness isn’t just for meditation. It means really being there when you're with your partner. Look them in the eye. Notice their tone. Feel their hand in yours. Savor the shared silence. It matters.
4. Talk About It (Without Blame)
If phubbing is a problem, name it. Gently. Use "I feel" statements instead of accusations. Example: "I feel disconnected when we're both on our phones during dinner. Can we try putting them away?"
Vulnerability often invites vulnerability in return. But someone has to go first. Why not you?
5. Get Support If It Runs Deeper
Sometimes the phone isn't the issue—it's the symptom. Disconnection, resentment, or avoidance might be the real culprits. If you and your partner keep circling the same pain points, it might be time to bring in a pro.
Therapy isn't just for the crisis point. It can be the bridge that brings you back to each other.
"Our phones might connect us to the world, but they shouldn't disconnect us from the one person we chose."
Real Talk: You Can Have Your Phone and Your Partner
This isn't about ditching technology. It’s about making intentional choices. Prioritizing presence over pings. Swapping scrolling for soul-to-soul connection.
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be aware. And willing to choose your partner over your phone, more often than not.
I became a therapist because I believe that relationships can heal—even when they’ve been bruised by neglect or distracted by a glowing screen. Repair starts with one choice: presence.
Is Phubbing Harming YOUR Relationship?
Take a quick self-check quiz:
Do you often use your phone to avoid tough conversations?
Does your partner complain about feeling ignored?
Have you scrolled through your phone during date night?
Do you feel more emotionally safe online than in real life?
If you answered yes to two or more, it might be time for a reset.
Are You Ready to Reconnect?
If phone use has become a wedge in your relationship, Maverick Marriage Therapy can help. Schedule a free exploratory call to see if couples therapy is the right next step.
👉 Book Now
FAQs About Phubbing
How do I bring up phone overuse without starting a fight?
Use "I feel" statements. Avoid blame. Say something like, "I feel a little ignored when we're both on our phones. Can we talk about it?"
Is it normal to feel jealous of my partner's phone?
Yes! If their screen gets more attention than you do, it's natural to feel left out. You're not overreacting—you’re noticing a real disconnection.
Can phone habits really cause breakups?
Absolutely. Studies have shown a strong correlation between phubbing and lower relationship satisfaction, higher depression, and greater perceived risk of divorce.
Do we have to go totally tech-free to reconnect?
Nope. It’s about balance and intention, not bans. You can still love tech—just love each other more, first.
