Men’s Hidden Struggles in Relationships: 5 Signs He Is Silently Suffering

By Christina Neri, LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Gottman Method Level 3 Trained Therapist

Marriage and long-term relationships are often described as the greatest journeys in life—filled with partnership, shared dreams, and deep connection. However, just like any worthwhile journey, the road is rarely smooth. For many couples, a confusing and painful disconnect can emerge over time. You might feel like you are living with a stranger, or that the person you fell in love with has built a fortress around his heart.

If you feel locked out of your partner's emotional world, it is easy to assume he doesn't care. But the reality is often far more complex. In my decade of experience providing psychotherapy, I have found that men are rarely "unfeeling." Instead, they are battling emotional isolation and profound internal pressure. These unspoken difficulties quietly gnaw away at the foundation of relationships, leaving both partners feeling lonely and misunderstood.

This article aims to shine a light on those hidden struggles men face, helping partners understand the "why" behind the silence, and offering a roadmap to foster stronger, more authentic connections.

Key Takeaways

• The Root Cause: Men’s relationship struggles often stem from "Normative Male Alexithymia" and the societal pressure of stoicism, not a lack of love.

• The Signs: Distress often manifests indirectly as withdrawal, irritability, "fixing" problems instead of listening, or physical distance.

• The Modern Conflict: Men face "Role Conflict," torn between being traditional protectors and modern, vulnerable partners.

• The Solution: Healing requires shifting to a judgment-free environment, "decoding" silence without pressure, and redefining vulnerability as courage.

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The Core Problem: Why Do Men Struggle to Open Up?

To understand the silence, we have to look beyond the surface behaviors. Drawing from my training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we look for the "cycle" underneath the conflict. Men often struggle in relationships due to a combination of Normative Male Alexithymia and the deep-seated societal pressure of Stoicism.

What is Normative Male Alexithymia?

While it sounds clinical, this term simply describes a condition where men are socialized to disconnect from their emotions. Unlike women, who are often encouraged to identify and discuss feelings from a young age, many men are trained to suppress them. As described by Dr. Ronald Levant, this results in a genuine struggle to put words to internal experiences. It’s not that he won’t tell you how he feels; often, he can’t because he hasn't been given the language to do so.

The "Pressure of Stoicism"

Men often grow up learning that strength is synonymous with silence. The American Psychological Association (APA) notes that traditional masculinity ideology often limits men's psychological development by discouraging emotional expression. From an early age, phrases like "Be a man," "Suck it up," or "Men don’t cry" shape a mindset that equates emotional restraint with toughness.

In relationships, this creates a psychological barrier—as if showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness, or worse, a burden on their partner. Holding in emotions doesn’t make them disappear; it only pushes them deeper until they manifest in destructive ways.

The Modern Dilemma: Role Conflict

Adding to this pressure is the modern phenomenon of Role Conflict. Today’s men are caught between two opposing sets of expectations:

• The Traditional Protector: Society still expects men to be stoic providers, financially stable, and physically protective.

• The Modern Partner: Simultaneously, partners expect men to be emotionally available, sensitive, vulnerable, and communicative.

Balancing these conflicting roles can lead to anxiety and burnout. When a man feels he is failing at one—or both—he often retreats to avoid the shame of "not being enough."

5 Signs of a Man’s Silent Struggle (The "Weak Points")

Because men are conditioned to hide their pain, their struggles often manifest in indirect, often frustrating behaviors. In my clinical practice, I help couples identify these "protest behaviors"—actions that look like pushing away, but are actually a cry for safety.

If you are wondering if your partner is silently suffering, look for these often-overlooked signs (or "weak points" in his emotional armor).

1. Withdrawal into Distraction

What it looks like: He comes home and immediately retreats into video games, doom-scrolling on social media, or obsessively watching sports. He is physically present in the house, but emotionally miles away.

What it means: This isn't necessarily laziness or disinterest in you. It is often a coping mechanism known as "numbing." When internal emotions (stress, fear, inadequacy) become too overwhelming to process, the brain seeks a dopamine hit to drown out the noise. Distraction is a safe haven where he doesn't have to feel.

2. Irritability as a Shield

What it looks like: He snaps over minor issues—a messy kitchen, a loud noise, or a slight change in plans. His reaction seems disproportionate to the event.

What it means: Men are often taught that anger is the only "acceptable" negative emotion. Sadness looks "weak," and fear looks "cowardly," but anger looks "strong." Consequently, he may express irritability when he is actually feeling fear, sadness, or hurt. This anger acts as a shield, keeping you at arm's length so you don't see the vulnerability underneath.

3. The "Fixer" Mentality

What it looks like: You share a frustrating experience from your day, hoping for empathy. Instead, he immediately offers three solutions and gets frustrated when you don't take them.

What it means: He likely feels unsafe just "sitting with" emotions. To him, an unsolved emotion is a failure. If he can "fix" your problem, he restores his sense of utility and control. He isn't trying to dismiss your feelings; he is trying to make the painful emotions go away because he doesn't know how to navigate them.

4. Physical Pull-Back

What it looks like: A decrease in non-sexual touch. Fewer hugs, less hand-holding, sitting on the other end of the couch, or a general stiffness in his body language.

What it means: Physical intimacy requires emotional openness. If he is battling internal demons, he may feel "unworthy" of affection or afraid that a hug will break his composure. He pulls back physically to protect himself emotionally.

5. Sarcasm and Deflection

What it looks like: When you try to have a serious conversation, he cracks a joke, uses sarcasm, or changes the subject entirely.

What it means: Humor is a classic defense mechanism. If he can make a joke, he diffuses the tension. If he consistently uses sarcasm to derail deep conversations, he is likely deflecting to avoid the discomfort of intimacy. It is a sign that the topic feels dangerous to him.

Emotional Isolation: The Silent Relationship Killer

One of the most profound and dangerous struggles men face is emotional isolation.

Research from the Survey Center on American Life indicates that men are facing a "friendship recession," with the number of men reporting they have no close friends having increased fivefold since 1990. Unlike women, who often maintain robust support networks, men frequently rely solely on their romantic partners for emotional support.

This creates a precarious dynamic:

• The Burden on the Partner: If you are his "everything"—his lover, best friend, therapist, and only confidant—it places immense pressure on the relationship.

• The Burden on Him: If he feels he cannot talk to you because he doesn't want to "burden" you or look weak in your eyes, he has nowhere else to go.

The result is a man who is entirely alone with his thoughts. He bottles them up, prioritizing "keeping the peace" over expressing his true self. This reluctance builds walls, not bridges. It is important to remember that emotional openness isn’t just about finding solutions—it’s about feeling understood.

The Challenge of Communicating Needs

Communication is often touted as the key to a healthy relationship, but for many men, expressing needs is a minefield. Perhaps he has been taught that asking for something—whether it’s more affection, praise, or alone time—is "needy" or "selfish."

As a result, men may suppress their needs until resentment begins to grow. A common scenario is a husband who feels underappreciated for his hard work but is unsure how to express it without sounding like he is complaining. This silence is damaging. When men suppress their needs, they inadvertently send the message that everything is fine. Meanwhile, inside, they are growing frustrated or emotionally distant.

Learning to express needs without guilt is one of the most powerful tools a man can use to improve his relationship. It’s not about demanding more; it’s about giving your partner the opportunity to understand you better and meet you halfway.

How to Help: Navigating Vulnerabilities for Deeper Connections

If you recognize these signs in your partner, it is natural to want to "fix" it immediately. However, pushing too hard can cause him to retreat further. Drawing on principles from the Gottman Institute, here is a guide to fostering a safer dynamic.

Step 1: Shift the Environment to "Judgment-Free"

Men need to feel that their vulnerability won't be weaponized later. If he shares a fear, and it is later brought up in an argument (e.g., "You're just insecure"), he will never open up again. Reinforce that you value his emotions. Use phrases like: "I really appreciate you sharing that with me. It means a lot to trust me with that."

Step 2: Decode the Silence

Don't pressure him to talk immediately. Sometimes, the best support is just "being there." This is often called "parallel play"—sitting with him while watching a movie or reading, without demanding words. This low-pressure proximity can help him lower his defenses.

• Try this: Instead of asking "What are you feeling?", try asking "What are you thinking about?" For many men, "thinking" is a safer entry point than "feeling."

Step 3: Redefine Strength

Help him see that vulnerability is courage. It takes more strength to face a difficult emotion than to hide from it. Acknowledge that it is okay not to have all the answers.

Step 4: Encourage External Support

Encourage him to spend time with friends or engage in hobbies outside the relationship. While it might seem counterintuitive to send him away to get closer, helping him build a support network takes the pressure off the marriage and gives him more outlets to process his stress.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is "Miserable Husband Syndrome"?

A: This is a term often used to describe men who feel trapped, stressed, or unappreciated in their marriage but feel unable to leave or change the dynamic. It typically manifests as passive-aggressiveness, silence, avoidance of intimacy, and chronic irritability. It is often a result of long-term emotional suppression.

What are the common relationship mistakes men make due to these struggles?

A: The most common mistake is withdrawal. When overwhelmed, instead of saying, "I'm stressed and need 20 minutes to decompress," many men simply shut down or leave the room. This triggers their partner's abandonment fears, leading to a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal.

Why is being a man in a relationship so hard?

A: It is difficult because of the "double bind." Men are pressured to be stoic providers while simultaneously being expected to be emotionally vulnerable partners. Balancing these two opposing roles without a roadmap often leads to anxiety, confusion, and a feeling of "never being enough."

How can I get my husband to open up without nagging?

A: Focus on "low-stakes" vulnerability first. Don't start with heavy relationship issues. Ask about his stresses at work, his opinion on a news story, or his hobbies. Validate those feelings first to build trust. When he sees that small shares are received well, he will feel safer sharing the bigger emotions.

About the Author: Christina Neri, LCSW

Christina Neri is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the founder of Maverick Marriage Therapy. With over a decade of experience as a Clinical Director and therapist, she specializes in helping couples gain relational healing and deeper intimacy. She is a Certified Level 3 Gottman Method Therapist and has extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Restoration Therapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). Christina provides a safe, inclusive, and empowering space for clients to navigate the complexities of love and partnership.

Don't Navigate This Alone

Breaking decades of psychological conditioning is hard work, but you don't have to do it alone. If you or your partner are stuck in a cycle of silence and withdrawal, professional support can help bridge the gap.

For couples needing a breakthrough, couples intensive therapy can provide a safe container to dismantle these walls quickly.

Schedule A Confidential Consultation Here